We have a bias in our thinking when it comes to evaluating ourselves and others. When others are successful and happy, we tend to think they are lucky or blessed. They came from the right family, had a good education, and found a nice spouse. When we evaluate why our life is not going well, we likewise think it is due to luck, bad luck! Our sad personal history, poor work environment, difficult team members, insensitive leaders, and the bad economy leave us with a frustrating, difficult life.
Looking outside ourselves for the cause of our unhappy life is convenient and effective. It is convenient because we can always find something out there that is bad to blame for how we feel. There are many circumstances, events in the past, difficult people, and barriers to a good life that stand in our way. Looking outside ourselves for reasons for our personal struggles is also effective in that we assume we found the correct answer to our frustration, disappointment, anxiety, stress, or depression.
What looks like a good reason for our pain, one that is both convenient and effective, is part of our core problem. When we attribute our struggles to our circumstances, we attempt to do one of the following: control what is happening around us, or avoid what makes us upset and unhappy. Life becomes about trying to manage others and our circumstances.
There are two problems with these strategies. First, these strategies may work—temporarily! This is a significant problem. We might be able to force others to do things the way we want and believe our strategy is justified. Also, we feel real relief when we run away from difficult people and situations. Our anxiety goes down. In the long term, both of these strategies lead to us being more out of control. We end up living life as a victim of everything that is going on around us, sometimes having victory in our battle for control, but most the time not. Here are three signs that your life is out of balance and your explanations are wrong:
1. Your Emotional Life is Unbalanced
- You feel overwhelmed, anxious, and in a panic about work responsibilities.
- You feel burned out and exhausted.
- You try to function while feeling depressed, but masking it from others.
- You consider difficult people toxic and very upsetting to be around.
- You have sleep problems, recurring headaches, and digestion issues.
2. Your Relational Life is Unbalanced
- You think your boss or leader is making your life difficult or miserable.
- You feel that your spouse, children, friends, and work responsibilities are all competing for your time, and you cannot find a balance between them all.
- You feel resentful of other people’s behavior and feel powerless to do anything about it.
- You feel under pressure to please others.
- You keep working beyond the amount of time you want and feel resentful.
3. Your Work Life is Unbalanced
- You feel pulled in many different directions and do not have a clear focus.
- You put off doing important tasks and start to panic when you think about them.
- You have emails, phone calls, and other correspondence that are ignored.
- You are not sure what your life direction should be or if you have found it.
- You have lost your interest in what you are doing.
- You function out of duty but have no passion.
If this describes you, consider the possibility that your explanation of why all of this is happening might not only be wrong but also a part of the problem. We are designed us to have control of ourselves, not others. The more control we have over our life, the more influence we have positively impacting the world around us.
Let me know the where you struggle in your emotional, relational, and work life. I am looking forward to hearing from you!