Dr. Evan Parks—How many times are we blocked from taking a risk, starting something new, or just stating our well-informed opinion because we lack confidence? Unlike the people who struggle with obvious insecurity, when we struggle with lack of confidence, others may hardly notice. This form of hidden insecurity is often something we live and suffer with alone. How can you tell if you have a confidence gap? See if any of these eight signs apply to you.
1. Unfinished Tasks
Think back over the past ten years of your life. How many times have you made plans for your work, education, or personal life that were important to you at the time, but you never completed? You started something with great enthusiasm, but before you progressed very far, you just drifted away? With hidden insecurity, we are easily distracted and drift toward what is new and exciting, rather than developing endurance and stamina to do what is important. If you have started dieting or exercising multiple times, then you qualify here!
2. Embarrassment
What are some of the areas of your life that you keep covered up, hidden from public view? Are you embarrassed about your education, lack of education, family background, your body, past failures, or your cultural background? Insecurity leads us to present a positive self-image, rather than our real self.
3. Ambivalence
What are some areas of your life where you have a hard time making a decision? Maybe you committed to a course of action, but as soon as you decided, you start doubting if your decision is right or not. At the core of this problem is not knowing what is central to who you are and what you need to be doing with your life.
4. Secretive
Similar to the problem of embarrassment is secretiveness. When we are secretive, we use all kinds of mental tricks to keep others and ourselves in denial about some area of our life that is out of control. We smoke, take painkilling medications, or drink too much, but try to manage it so that nobody knows. The self-deception leads us to think it is possible to hide these behaviors when it is not.
5. Hidden Irritation
How many times do you encountered a colleague who seems a bit more confident, who can promote his ideas effectively, and has followed through with more programs than you have? What is your reaction? While you might be good at hiding your feelings, if your reaction is irritation, then it is a clear sign of hidden insecurity. What is interesting is the irritation is usually about something very superficial, such as the colleague’s choices of clothes, the way he talks, and some minor detail in some plan he has presented.
6. Giving Up
The hallmark of a confidence gap is giving up too soon. If you lack confidence, you will not be able to endure the ups and downs of carrying through with your ideas, projects, and plans. You will get started, but your results will not be right the first time, or you will not get the feedback you expect. As a result, you conclude that your idea probably was not that important. With hidden insecurity, you do not give yourself the encouragement you need to keep pressing on.
7. Over Commitment
You are likely to undermine your efforts in doing any one single task well. The best way to never find out what you are capable of and succeeding at is to over commit yourself to multiple projects, programs, and service opportunities. You can always excuse your failure by pointing out that it is not your fault your important program does not succeed because you simply do not have the time. You are meeting at the coffee shop with people who need to talk, helping at the children’s program, serving in the community, working extra hours on a colleague’s project, doing home renovations, and playing on your favorite local sports team.
8. Victim Mindset
If you have hidden insecurity, you are likely to see yourself as victim of the needs and demands of others. Rather than being able to determine what is important and who is important to you, you end up treating everything that occurs as equally significant and demanding. In the end, your plans are always changed. After a series of failed attempts to keep a schedule, you end up giving up, claiming you a victim of your circumstances, the needs of others, and the nature of life.
If you struggle with a confidence gap, change begins by taking ownership of the problem and identifying your areas of hidden insecurity. It is only when we name the problem that we can begin to change the problem. Secondly, work at moving forward regardless of your insecure feelings. Accepting a feeling is a better response than trying to change a feeling. Try giving your insecure feeling a funny name and welcome it every time it shows up in your life. With acceptance, we give up our struggle with a problem. Giving up our struggle allows us focus on doing what is right and important. If we wait to change our feelings before we do what is right, we will be waiting a long time!
Let me know the story of your confidence gap. I am looking forward to hearing from you!
