How To Ruin A Good Marriage

By Dr. Evan Parks—It happens every day. A happily married couple turns into a miserable couple. Despite the fact that there are very few causes of marital conflict, most couples caught in the downward spiral of tension and conflict do not seem to know what is happening or why.  The problem all starts with our simple desire to have control.

How many good friends do you have? If you are like most people, you have a handful of close friends, and you probably have known these good people for a long time. You enjoy their company, love their laughter, and look forward to spending time with them. There is one simple reason good friends remain connected for years and years—we do not try to control our friends.

Friends are special, and we are afraid of losing them. Because these relationships are so valuable, we make an important choice. The choice goes like this, “Because I love my friend, I will not try to change him or control him. I will work at listening, supporting, and understanding this valuable person in my life.” This simple choice leads to a great result—a relationship that lasts for years.

The Choice To Control

Unfortunately, we do not make the same choice in our marriage relationships. Marriages are ruined every day by the attempt that one person makes to change the other. If controlling others is so destructive, why do we do it?

We try to change others because we wrongly believe that our circumstances determine our happiness and security. We think, “What happens around me (external events) determines my happiness.  In order to be happy, I need to change others and control my circumstances.”

As soon as we buy into this false belief we begin to see things that need to be changed in our spouse. A woman realizes her husband needs to have better table manners, wear nicer shirts, smile more often, and be more open and attentive to her. He also needs to work less and be at home more. A man sees his wife and remembers how she behaved when they first met. She was warm, funny, lighthearted, supportive, attentive, a few pounds lighter, always pretty, and ready to flirt with him. He would love to get her to change back into that old person again.

Once we believe we need to control our circumstances to be happy we start to think that our perception of what needs to change is both true and correct.   Some spouses are even bold enough to say, “I know what is good for you! Why don’t you just listen to me and do what I say?” Most people hearing this kind of comment will have one reaction; they will defend themselves at all costs. We hate to be criticized.

Attempting to control others is the number one way to take a good marriage and make it a miserable marriage. We attempt to control others when we believe that others are responsible for our unhappiness, and we need to change our spouse so we can feel better. There are seven ways that controlling others is expressed in marriage:

• Criticizing
• Blaming
• Complaining
• Nagging
• Threatening
• Punishing
• Bribing or rewarding our attempt to control

Why Criticism Kills A Marriage

The most dangerous of these seven marriage killers is criticism. Criticism sends a poisonous message to the relationship. When we get married, we promise to our spouse, “You are all that I need.” This is our commitment to build a lasting love within the marriage that will satisfy.  This promise fills us with hope and joy, knowing that someone would be so delighted to be with us and enjoy us.

But with criticism we communicate the exact opposite message. With criticism, we say to our spouse, “You will never measure up to what I picture as good and satisfying.” We add to that toxic message another message, “What I consider important and valuable, and what you consider as important and valuable are worlds apart! What you want is stupid.” This leads to one partner feeling very alone in a once happy marriage.

Women and men can react differently to criticism. Some women will push themselves very hard, even to a breaking point, trying to do what is right, good, and pleasing to their spouse. Men will also try to change and please their spouse, but only for a limited time. Men decide to walk out on the marriage. Walking out on the marriage might mean working more hours, becoming addicted, having an affair, or finding a good job in a far away country.

Making Right Choices

If you find yourself in this situation, there is a way out. Rather than believing external events determine what you feel, begin to consider that what we do and think determines what we feel. The motivation for all that we do comes from inside of us, not from what others are doing or our circumstances. Knowing that it is pointless to control others, we can spend our time treating our spouse like our best friend, which includes:

• Supporting
• Encouraging
• Listening
• Accepting
• Trusting
• Respecting
• Negotiating differences

Regardless of where people are at in a marriage, it is never too late to learn how to be a good friend. Keep in mind we get married and divorced for the same reason; we want to be loved and accepted.

Let me know the challenges you have faced in marriage.  I am looking forward to hearing from you!