By Dr. Evan Parks—Divorce courts are full of people who see themselves as victims and their spouse as an enemy. How can this be so common? Divorce is a painful experience and clearly people do behave badly, but why does each side think they are the victim of the other person’s actions? Maybe we are looking at suffering all wrong. What if our suffering is not caused by other people?
Let me suggest a direct approach to understanding people and why we suffer. Let’s start with the assumption that all behavior is purposeful. All behavior has a function—behavior occurs for some good reason. We behave the way we do, be it acting kind or acting oddly, because our behavior serves some greater purpose. There is no crazy behavior or pointless behavior. All behavior is related to our needs as social, emotional, physical beings.
If we are addicted, angry, controlling, withdrawn, whining, anxious, or feel like victims, whatever we do has a purpose. To understand the purpose of behavior, we need to identify the basic needs that we are trying to meet. When a baby cries, he is sending a signal that he is wet, cold, hungry, or tired. The cry of the baby has a function—to bring attention to its need. In the same way, emotional pain and behaviors that do not seem to be healthy or beneficial, do have an important function–to bring attention to a need. Our pain has a purpose. There is something out of place in our mind, heart, or body that needs a remedy.
All Behavior Is Purposeful
If everything we do has a purpose, then everything we do is a behavior. This might sound complicated, but it is quite simple. Our thinking, acting, feeling and physiological responses (body sensations) together make up our total behavior. I do not “feel” anxious—the feeling of anxiety is a behavior that has a purpose. I act anxious. I do not “feel” angry—I act angry. I do not feel like a victim—I act like a victim. All our behavior is goal directed, even when we are not aware of what the goal might be.
Think of behavior as the four wheels of a car. The front two wheels steer the car and give the car power—this is our thinking and our acting. The back two wheels of the car are our emotions and physiology. Where the front wheels go, the back wheels must follow. The person driving the car is me and my will. The choices I make about what I think and do from moment to moment direct the car and guide my total behavior.
Blaming Our Circumstances
How does the statement, “All behavior is purposeful” help us understand couple that has a marriage that is in trouble? It means that each person in the marriage has the potential to become aware of what he or she is doing and what goal he or she is trying to meet. When we become aware of our needs and choices, we also become more responsible for what we are doing.
Sitting down and talking with a couple who is fighting will sound something like this. The wife will say, “He is controlling and angry. Because of this, I feel put down and unimportant. I have to fight against his control to maintain my identity.” He says, “My wife is critical and never satisfied. Because of this, I feel put down and I have to change her so I can be respected again.” Both people firmly believe that their behavior is a spontaneous, natural response to their bad circumstances and that they have no control over what they feel and what they do in response to their spouse. They also put all their energy into trying to change and control the other person. You can read how changing others works out in an earlier blog. This is not a good way to live in a marriage or any other relationship.
The idea that all we do is behave and that behavior is purposeful is both liberating and weighty. It is weighty because it clearly means that we are responsible for what we do, how we respond to circumstances, and how we feel. It is liberating because it means if we find ourselves doing something that seems self-defeating or disabling, then we have the ability to change.
It is not helpful to view our emotional symptoms as the result of a disease, or see our life problems as determined by our past or current circumstances. How we act is our responsibility. We often think as being held responsible as a negative concept, but it is not. If we are responsible, it means we have the ability to choose what we are doing–and that means we can change! Let me know the challenges you have faced and overcome. I am looking forward to hearing from you!
