Trust Your Instincts

By Dr. Evan Parks—How can someone be in a relationship with a manipulative, controlling, aggressive individual and not recognize the danger? People commit to business partnerships, friendships, and even marriages with aggressive people, not paying attention to the signs that something is wrong. We have an internal warning system telling us we are in danger; unfortunately, we often ignore our instincts.

The Signs of Misplaced Trust

The problem with aggressive individuals is that they often do not appear overtly aggressive. In fact, they appear charming, pleasant, flexible, and interested in the welfare of others.   The mother who is concerned about her son’s grades can appear to be a normal, interested, involved parent. The pastor who is working to get a new ministry off the ground appears to be serving others. The business owner who wants to take his company to the next level presents himself as a person committed to excellence and quality. If people were what they seemed to be, all of these stories might be quite positive. Covertly aggressive people count on us thinking the best of others, and we usually do.

There are signs that we can watch for that tell us there is more going on than we might initially notice. Covertly aggressive individuals are highly committed to getting what they want but are very skilled at covering up their true motives. Here are some signs you might be interacting with a covertly aggressive individual:

1. You feel that you are interacting with someone who is trying to gain control, intimidate, or dominate you in some way, but you cannot name the exact aggressive tactic that is being used against you. You just feel intimidated and notice that your input and ideas are warmly welcomed, but ultimately dismissed.
2. If you challenge the covertly aggressive person, he immediately can create doubt in your mind about your questions or observations. He either puts the problem back on you, suggesting you may be overly sensitive, or he puts himself down by acting hurt, disappointed, or wounded by your “attack” on his good character.
3. Being a normal person, you have a range of weaknesses and insecurities. Everyone does! A covertly aggressive person, unfortunately, has a greater awareness of other peoples’ weaknesses than they have of themselves. The aggressive individual knows how to break a person down by subtly mocking a person’s weakness, insecurity, or fear. Comments and jokes are said with a smile and wink of the eye, creating doubt and confusion. The comments are deeply painful but are completely deniable by the aggressive individual. They also know how to say the exact thing a needy person wants to hear to feel loved, secure, valued, smart, or significant. They are masters of putting a person down and then offering encouragement or ways the victim can make up for their alleged mistakes.
4. If you believe that human nature is basically good, then you are likely to look for the good in the people you meet. While humans do have the capacity for good, we also have the ability to do great harm to others and ourselves. The problem with a “basically good” belief system is we assume that beneath a person’s aggressive exterior, there is a soft, tender, needy soul who only wants to be loved and understood. We do not want to be judgmental and harsh, but rather believe the best in others. This is exactly what a covertly aggressive person is counting on. A manipulative person will use this belief to keep his victims doubting, hoping, and hooked by his covertly aggressive behavior.

We often doubt our instincts because we want to believe the best in others. This is an admirable mindset to have, except we live in a world that is overrun with aggressive people. Aggressive people move into positions of authority in schools, business, religious organizations, government, and law enforcement; we have to interact with aggressive people almost on a daily basis. To handle aggressive people, we need knowledge of how they operate and skill in responding to them.

Aggressive people are willing to put aside the rights of others to accomplish their agenda. The agenda of an aggressive person is simple—they want to win. They are not interested in other people winning—for them, a win-win situation would mean defeat. An aggressive individual is committed to gaining control over others, dominance, ownership, getting their needs and fantasies met, and making their plans succeed at any cost. Those who are covert with their aggression are similar to openly aggressive people, except the covert individual can make her aggression look like something other than what it is.

We need to trust our instincts.  If we are emotionally healthy, we will have alarms that go off when someone is acting in a way that makes US uncomfortable. Emotionally unhealthy have learned from there difficult personal history to turn off their feelings and will ignore the their emotions that are saying, “This person is dangerous!” Watch for signs of control, unexpected compliments, and small personal favors, you might be dealing with an dangerous person.